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I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.