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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?