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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t