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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Gym update: not there
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out