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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.