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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.