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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!