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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.