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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.