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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.