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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Back in my day we had 9 planets.