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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Serving size ?? LMAO
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally