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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.