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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.