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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people