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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball