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If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...