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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
This century is already 15% over.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.