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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?