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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook