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When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...