Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.