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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?