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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.