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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.