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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like