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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
So can we just skip to summer now?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.