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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.