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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.