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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
New day, same old bullsh!t
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Better late than pregnant.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.