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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.