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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
take me drunk i`m home
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.