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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.