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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.