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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.