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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat