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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?