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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.