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I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.