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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.