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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
i dont have drain bramage.