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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.