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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.