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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
is available for rebound sex.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.