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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...