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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
It was all so different before everything changed.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.