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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.