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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
I have a black belt in leather
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats