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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Sex, do it for the kids.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.