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Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.