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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.