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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?