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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.