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I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Siri, where are my pants?
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.