Daily Silly Status

Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.

honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"

I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.

I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.

I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.

Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.

Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.

My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”

Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...

I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.

I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.

Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.

How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool

The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.