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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist