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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.