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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Are walruses just vampire manatees?