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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.