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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.