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Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."