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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
I laugh in the face of normal.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?